Lee Geiger

If 2020 were a drink, it would be a colonoscopy prep.

Scott Johnson

2020 is about to end. And man, what a year. Definitely ones for the history books. I’ll be telling my grandkids about this. When I have some, of course.

What can I possibly say about 2020 that hasn’t already been said? Not much, really. But what I can do is deliver a potpourri of bon mots serving as dog-eared reminders of a year that was as unpredictable as it was overbearing.

First, a few stipulations.

1. I did not get sick.
2. No one close to me got sick.
3. I did not lose my job.
4. No one close to me lost their job.

In other words, 2020 wasn’t as bad for me as it may have been for others. In fact, in some ways it was a very good year. But on the whole, it stunk.

So, without further ado, here’s what the year 2020 will mean to me.

• My 2020 New Year’s Resolution was to lose 20 pounds, which means I need to lose 34 pounds by tomorrow.
• Not once in 2020 did I slip on a nice pair of slacks or pull a button-down shirt from a hanger. The good news is my dry-cleaning bill disappeared faster than a bag of Ruffles potato chips. The bad news is I’m afraid to try on anything hanging in my closet.
• Dressing up in 2020 meant wearing socks. Or khaki pants, but that’s only because golf was involved.
• I never appreciated the game of golf more than I did in 2020. That being said, I’m still the worst 14 handicap in America. Or the best 21 handicap.
• In January, I was looking forward to a bucket list golf trip to Scotland.
• In December, I am biting my fingernails wondering if Scotland 2021 is going to happen.
• I discovered the liberating thrill of whipping off my face mask after getting into my car. This must be how women feel after they come home from work and whip off their bras. Or so I’m told.
• I gained weight in 2020. A lot of weight. And I didn’t give a damn.
• Belts are overrated. That’s why God invented Hawaiian shirts.
• Before March, I thought zoom was a verb. After March, zoom became a noun.
• Thank you, God, for inventing Zoom.
• In January, my biggest fear was Trump getting re-elected.
• In December, my biggest fear is what happens after Trump leaves office.
• I learned to appreciate the value, and availability, of extra-soft toilet paper.
• I learned to appreciate the value, and availability, of spending time with friends.
• There is no correlation between those last two. Well, maybe some.
• I survived months without a haircut. For the entire summer, I pretended to be Bob Seger.
• I didn’t go anywhere special all year.
• I didn’t do anything special all year.
• I didn’t save any money despite not doing anything or going anywhere special all year.
• A summer of California wildfires taught me the meaning of the term AQI (Air Quality Index). I discovered that, like my weight, any AQI reading north of 200 can be very hazardous to your health.
• I rediscovered the maxim I first learned living in LA during the 60’s/70’s: “Never Trust Any Air You Can’t Chew.”
• On a hot day in August, I experienced what life would be like living on Mars. I will never forget that red/orange sky.
• I missed hanging out on the weekends with the Moraga Mafia.
• I missed hanging out after work with my Penserra pals.
• I drank a lot of wine in 2020.
• I should have drunk more wine in 2020.
• I began the year loathing Donald Trump.
• I ended the year loathing even more the Republican Party.
• Did I mention that for nearly forty years I was a proud card-carry member of the Republican Party? Not anymore. But I’m also not a Democrat.
• I cancelled my gym membership and bought a supped-up elliptical machine for my home.
• During 2020, I bought a top-of-the-line Traeger smoker. Then our backyard fence mysteriously caught fire, the upstairs furnace dropped dead, and after 25 years the back-patio deck fell apart and needed replacing. Oh, and I bought a puppy.
• Did I mention I didn’t save any money in 2020?
• In January, if you had told me the MAGA movement would dump Fox News for behaving like a cheating spouse, only to fall into the arms of the alternate realities painted by Newsmax and OANN, I would have bet the mortgage that you were smoking something wicked.
• In December, I came to realize that if RSBN (Right Side Broadcasting Network) were a stock, I’d buy every share I can get my hands on. Why? Because cults gotta cult.
• In January, the 49ers were considered one of the best teams in the NFL
• In December, the 49ers are considered one of the worst teams in the NFL.
• Life is weird, sometimes.
• In January, I was a marketing officer.
• In December, I became a compliance officer.
• Life is weird sometimes.
• I like working from home, but not every day. It gets old. Every day feels like Tuesday.
• My work commute went from 12 minutes to 12 seconds.
• The Pretty Blonde and I spent a lot of time together in 2020. She did not find a reason to slit my throat. Yet.
• Life is weird sometimes.

Happy New Year, everyone. Here’s to a happy and healthy 2021.