Lee Geiger

When you slip on a banana peel, people laugh at you; but when you tell people you slipped on a banana peel, it’s your laugh. So you become the hero rather than the victim of the joke.

Nora Ephron

The holidays are chock-full of seasonal traditions, which in my case includes an annual cash call from my dear old alma mater, Claremont McKenna College. However, something tells the customary cheeky phone tête-à-tête with a current student (in this story, a fictitious character named Chase Witherspoon) is going to take on a slightly different tone this year.

 
Chase: “Hello, Mr. Geiger. My name is Chase Witherspoon, and I’m a senior at Claremont McKenna College. The alumni directory indicates you graduated in 1982, which means you were roaming the hallways of the North Quad when the name of the college was changed from Claremont Men’s to Claremont McKenna. How cool was that?”

 
Me: “Everything was cool when Ronald Reagan was president. Keep in mind, Chase, that back then we were in the middle of a nasty recession, and the Board of Trustees would have renamed the school Claremont Madonna College if the Material Girl had been willing to write an eight-figure check. So tell me, what’s the latest news from CMC-ville?

 
Chase: “OMG, Mr. Geiger! What rock have you been under? Last month there were a slew of rowdy protests on campus, and two students even went on a hunger strike. It was like a re-enactment of the Sixties. Things got so bad the Dean of Students was forced to resign.”

 
Me: “Meatloaf Monday at Collins Hall would make anyone want to go on a hunger strike. And what’s this about protests? I thought CMC students were too busy prepping for graduate school to kick up a fuss. And what on Earth did Mary Spellman do to warrant losing her job?”

 
Chase: “She flunked Empathy 101. A Latina student got upset when she saw a Facebook photo of two white CMC girls wearing Halloween costumes featuring Mexican sombreros, ponchos and fake moustaches. She complained to Dean Spellman, who responded in an email by saying the college needed to do a better job of serving students who ‘don’t fit our CMC mold.’ A number of students found her choice of words really offensive, especially those who believe the atmosphere at CMC makes them feel ‘marginalized.’”

 
Me: “CMC students feeling ‘marginalized?’ Really? How can anyone who put forth so much effort to get into an elite, private liberal arts college that accepts less than 9% of its applicants feel ‘marginalized?’ A degree from CMC is a ticket to joining the One-Percenters Club.

 
Chase: “Take a number, Mr. Geiger. On November 11, the day after CMC President Hiram Chodosh sent to students an email saying he was “very upset” about the drama surrounding the Halloween-costume calamity, a protest was organized by the CMCers of Color, the Brothers and Sisters Alliance, the Sexuality and Gender Alliance, the Asian Pacific American Mentors, and GenU. They presented a catalog of “micro-aggressions” they had suffered while on campus and demanded new forms of institutional support in compensation, including new administration positions on diversity and inclusion, pro-active measures to increase diversity in faculty hiring, and a permanent “safe” place where they can meet and talk about these things.”

 
Me: “A ‘safe place’ on campus? At the pampered confines of Claremont McKenna? The CMC surroundings are so plush the school could change its name again to ‘Coddled McKenna College.’ My money says those ‘marginalized’ students who are complaining about all these ‘micro-aggressions’ have a lot of participation trophies in their closets.

 
Chase: “What do you mean by that, Mr. Geiger?”

 
Me: “Look, Chase, I know we now live in a politically correct, gluten-free, gender-neutral world, and we all need to be more open-minded and aware of different points of view. I live in the San Francisco Bay Area, for goodness sake, where the only thing rising faster than the rent of a one-bedroom apartment is the number of hyphens used in a sentence. But this business of self-diminishment, of portraying yourself as a victim over some perceived slight or trauma because an environment isn’t catered exactly to your specific needs or background, is no way to go through life. I’ve got news for you all; there aren’t many ‘safe places’ to hide in this world.”

 
Chase: “Thank you for the unsolicited advice, Mr. Geiger, and I’ll be sure to remind my classmates to stay off your lawn.”

 
Me: “Your classmates won’t own many lawns if they keep painting themselves as societal casualties in need of healing, help, and isolation from the rest of the world. In fact they should be embarrassed. So what did all these campus demonstrations accomplish? What did the CMC powers-that-be decide to do?”

 
Chase: “The administration basically rolled over and gave in to all of the student’s demands.”

 
Me: “Of course they did. And they expect alums like me to write checks to pay for all this ‘diversity?’”

 
Chase: “They hope you’ll continue to support Claremont McKenna College as you have in the past. So, Mr. Geiger, how much of a donation should I put you down for this year?”

 
Me: “You know, Chase, I just consulted my checkbook, and it’s beginning to feel a bit ‘marginalized,’ so I better hang up the phone so I can put it in a ‘safe place.’ Thanks a lot for the call.”

 
Click.